Thursday, March 24, 2005



My friend awoke from his chemically induced slumbers, bounced his alarm clock off my cranium and called for coffee. I picked my way gingerly through the scattered empties and attained the kitchen area where I proceeded to carefully weigh the ingredients of his morning brew. By a scientific assessment of both number and type of said hollow vessels, I was able to judge the precise amount of time available to me; too soon and I would risk interrupting his all too valuable snooze time and too late would incur his impatient wrath.

Cursing the facts that I had been born far too early to avail myself of the knowledge of the exact composition of Jeeves' wonderful restorative; and far too late to have simply been able to blow his brains out with the elephant gun and bury him under the gazebo, I trod a careful path into his chambers carrying both his morning pick-me-up and the post on a faux silver platter.

"Waddafugtimedyacawthisyafuggintosspot?" I registered a hitherto unnoticed uncorked bottle of Bruichladdich under his bed and realised I had miscalculated. His aim with said bottle was unnerring even at such an early hour and it was some time before I was able to attempt an answer. He was sitting up in bed pinging paper darts in my direction and I realised he had opened his mail.

"Ah. Do get up off the floor, my man. Restore thyself to something approaching usefulness and pray arrange transportation to the capital for the following Wednesday. It would appear that my previous monographs had been so well received that they are desirous of an encore, a repeat performance, a reprise. You may book the accommodation, enquire as to the availability of the delightful Louise for four nights from the 29th and strap me to the bed in an attempt to keep me from masturbating myself into a stupor until such time as I arrive. You may also pack the camera this time and we will show the readers of your little romances just what it is that leads me back to the twin cities from time to time."

I rubbed at my contusions and reached for the phone.

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