SOMEWHERE, A TREE FELL

Oooh, I love quiet nights.
Off season blues eh?
Quit flashing at me, Lamps...I know the rules by now.
Ok then, I'll click on it.
Family channel, eh?
Big daddy warnock.
Have to beware of acting as a malignant influence on li'l Dan.
Guess this should get me into the talking to yourself stats.
Get a life, man.
Go out.
Get drunk.
Meet people. Where's Jess?
I'm beginning to get worried.
Worried is not a state I feel comfortable with.
I shall bill you for the therapy.
Not that I really need it, mind.
Just that where else can you talk about your favourite subject (yourself) for a whole hour?
I shall return.
I am off on an expedition to the furthest fridge.
Need beer.
Is this a record yet?
I repeat, get a life, you wastrel.
Stanley Unwin.
He was good at monologues...
...as was Frankie Howerd...
...if you liked that sort of thing...
which I didn't,
but that's by the by.
I would like to thank you
for providing me with this opportunity of communing with myself.
I feel much better now.
I was entering into a sorry for oneself zone,
but this has cheered me up no end.
Wanna beer?
Help yourself
There's plenty...
...or was plenty.
Stocks are dwindling in deirect proportion to the time I spend on here.
Oops, first typo.
Shame on me.
42 lines...
...must be a record now, eh?
Saddo.
Oh well.
Oh me.
Oh my.
How time flies.
Ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip!
What was that?
That was your life, mate.
Oh, can I have another one?
Sorry.
Ah, I had such good times.
Old times?
Nothing like the old times.
Wannan old time?
Which one?
Any, i don't care. 1992?
Sorry, fresh out. Gottan old 1986 I could let you have.
Naah.
Hardly used...Thatcher years dontcha know?
Good god, man. Have you no shame?
Naah, sold the last ounce three hours ago. Nice Jewish chap.
Got any guilt?
Sorry guy. Catholics have cleared me out.
Embarrassment?
Some C of E bint was in here an hour ago wearing the wrong hat. She took the lot.
Porn?
Now yer talking. Brown bag stuff, eh?
If I'd wanted the Woodford, I would have asked for it, you pretzel.
Warnockers?
Phwoaaar! I'll say.
Bazookas, eh?
Well...known to mis-fire but strike a few they have accidentally been known to.
Yoda?
No, just simple meditation.
Aha, you're a thinker, eh?
Gerrartnit. Wazzock.
I'm terribly sorry, sir.
Quite alright, my man. Tickle my scrotum and I will forgive you all.
Scrotum, the old wrinkled retainer.
Ah, you're a Sir Henry fan, then.
I have been known to be. You're not from the revenue, are you?
Good heavens, no. I'm from the good chat room guide actually. But don't tell anybody, they'll all want a write up.
You look excited.
I am, dear heart but only because my bladder has reached gigantuan proportions and should I not empty it soon, the experience of Noah will seem as but a brief shower.
Golden?
Don't push it.
Ifill has signed, from Miwwaww.
Blimey.
For real money.
No Balti pies involved, then?
My source did not say.
My sauce speaks through my bottom usually.
That is too much information
I apologise
That's okay.
Sycophant.
Is that like an elephant?
Hardly.
Nalis?
Who?
Hairy midfielder. Said to be experienced.
Like Jimi Hendrix?
Who?
Don't get smart with me guy.
Oooh! Get her.
Anybody wanna beer? Off to the fridge again...no? Part-timers.
Who you callin' a part timer? I'm a bigger Blade than you.
I don't doubt it, mon petit monstrosité, but don't tell me you still think size matters.
Wasn't there a bridge of that name?
Bridge of matters?
Oh, dearie me.
Don't get all superior with me, flower. I'll have you know I dated the Dog of Venice.
Did more than that from what I heard.
Carefull, sweetie...libel laws have teeth.
And she didn't?
Well, if at first you don't succeed...
...perhaps you need a liitle more suction, eh?
Knuckle close to you are sweetie.
Taking refuge in the force you are I see.
I think you are in need of medication.
Should I assume the position?
It's just a little prick.
Oh dear. That you should stoop so low.
You aint seen nothing yet.
Oh God. Bachmann Turner Overdrive.
Maybe. My memory is not infallible.
So, what you say may not, in fact, be what you mean?
Spot on, Chris. Like my theory about the brontosaurus.
That it was put here to test our faith?
Got it in one, mon ami. In one it you have got.
And has your faith been tested?
Sorely, my dear. Sorely.
Howsomever?
Well, the local weather indicator for one's toolbar offer for instance. And the chimney watch at the Vatican did stretch belief somewhat.
Truly?
Probably not but who's testing, eh?
You appear to have a problem with belief systems.
You appear to have a brass neck. Where do you get off calling into question my beliefs?
Purely an observation, my dear. You seem to have a credulity quotient approaching zero.
And so I should, dear heart. The last thing I was asked to allow to approach zero was delta x and the inability of my maths teacher to answer the question 'why?' sure messed up my understanding of calculus for the next few years.
You can't differentiate, then?
Sure I can. Dean Windass was no Steve Kabba, that much I do know. Although the difference between Blair and Major it is becoming increasingly more difficult to tell.
Lay off the Star Wars videos will you?
Why? My syntax bothering you is it?
Not necessarily but has it occurred to you that your bottle is empty?
Good grief. Du hast recht. Igazad van. Testicular globules. I shall be right back.
No, Kozluk is right back.
You tryin'a develop this into an Abbott and Costello routine?
Whaddaya mean?
A who's on first kinda thing?
Who's on first?
Getartahere.
Forthwith and anon. And may flights of angels...etc...etc.
Good night...bu bum tish.
Sleep tight, sweet fossils. And should Jess perchance heave into your purview, tell her to get in touch forthwith. Please.