Monday, March 29, 2004




It is quite possible that my circle of intimates has decreased in number by two since Sunday but I am nevertheless, hopeful that the little contretemps which occured will prove but a whorl in the waters of our friendship and that the soothing oils of time will work their customary magic and all will be tickerty poo in the land of Kan.

One of the things experience brings is an ability to recognise when it might prove beneficial, expedient or whatever to remove oneself from a situation in order to avoid an outcome which would, were my presence not apparated elsewhere, be absolutely impossible to body-swerve. However, in this breast anyway, hope ever springs eternal.

An ex-girlfriend of mine, her lover and their frog paid us a visit on Sunday afternoon and after the frogs had disappeared into their own world and coffees had been served, places were taken around the dining table for a spot of discourse. After a few minutes of harmless tom-foolery, my ex produced the little tit-bit that a "Queer Club" was to open within pig swinging distance of one of our local schools. Not a night club, mind...just a meeting place for people of like persuasion. I caught Zsuzsi's wry, amused glance in my direction and although I knew she was quite looking forward to the joust she knew would come, I rose from the table, begged their leave and made to hie me to the beast for a spot of furtive blogging. Experience, you see.

However, fools that they are, they pleaded with me to return and to listen to their arguments although to give them such an appelation would be flattering in the extreme. And, fool that I am, I felt the stirrings of hope...or was it just a trout like leap at a proffered fly? I leave it to you to decide.

I started off with a quite simple enquiry as to whether the club in question would be exteriorly decorated with Disney characters, have a SALE sign plastered across its facade, posters advertising...SPECIAL OFFER! SEXUALITY ADJUSTMENTS! TWO WHITE MICE, THREE SHERBET DIPS AND A JELLY BABY...ONE WEEK ONLY! and a plaque offering half price admission for minors and battle was joined.

I rephrased my opening gambit into the more succint, 'Why not?' and was informed that my ex did not want her daughter seeing them every day as she left school.

Mmmmmm. Them, eh? You mean quite normally dressed individuals trolling along the street, coming to a door, opening it and gaining entrance? Yes, I can see how that might result in the collapse of civilisation as we know it.

Then came the classics; I don't care what people get up to in the comfort of their own homes but why should they inflict it on us....why should they need a platform for their views, do I have one for I shout out on national television that I'm heterosexual and proud of goes against the natural order, marriage and reproduction of the species...they, they, they...

Sorry, they?

Yeah, this guy in the States, just written a book...locked up for non-payment of taxes...trying to claim now that he was only discriminated against because of his homosexuality...

And a guy I know...very friendly with the family at one point...then stole everything he could get his hands on...asks me one day why I wasn't talking to him anymore...told him I'd trusted him and that he'd been stealing from everyone...told me I couldn't prove it...told him I could if I wanted too...then he said the reason I didn't talk to him was cause he was a gypsy...same thing...I don't blame everything that happens to me on the fact that I'm white and heterosexual, do I?

Oh right, case closed then.

But no, Mr X, you don't. You find other ego soothers...we all do. He doesn't like me because I'm more intelligent, better looking, richer, funnier, luckier, sexier etc etc etc. Our sexuality for us is not an issue here. For 'them' it will always be a suspicion. Just as it is for me here a suspicion that some may resent me for my simple Englishness.

But I tried to take their arguments as they came. Comfort of their own homes, eh? You two ever held hands, hugged, kissed, never mind had carnal knowledge of each other in a public place? Never watched TV, seen any adverts, scanned any billboards lately? Heterosexual sex everywhich way you care to look...rammed down our throats and then some.

And about that platform you say you don't have...look about you's all around's called society, the whole of which is geared to cosset your heterosexual white male ass.

But why should my taxes be spent subsidising queers?

And why should mine be spent on the Armed Forces or on the Health Service? I have insurance.

And since when has marriage been natural, my little nugget? If ever an institution could be described as political, it's that one. And what of all those women who choose not to we have a little category for them, too...unnatural hussies? And what about current research which suggests that all is not as the lord intended in the land of the primates and that gay chimps may provide a useful outlet for sexual aggression?

You'd think it was a bloody lifestyle choice to hear them going on about it. But at the same time, she's saying that it doesn't matter what the colour of your skin is, what your religion is or your sexuality come to that and I'm left thinking I'm arguing with a bloody chimera, here. Just what the fuck do you believe then? How come you can hold two diametrically opposite positions simultaneously, dear heart? Pray tell. You should stand for office.

Anyway, even if the Council grant approval for this club, the public'll sort it out.

This from a guy with a Jewish background who was warning us about the dangers of voting for Fidesz because of their rampant nationalism.

I remember reading somewhere that a Hungarian can follow you into a revolving door and emerge in front of you...the more I get to know them, the better I recognise their common, over-riding characteristic...complete and utter paradox.

We ended up on common ground though. Apparently there is a law which forbids any emporium of a sexual nature from an area of 500m radius of a school. Then, if this club is indeed a homosexual one, I would have to agree that it probably falls within the scope of this law. Doesn't mean I have to like it though. I rather fancy opening a lingerie shop opposite the school gates, female shop dummies in sexy lace, all the trimmings...I don't think any complaints would be forthcoming until I left all the underwear as it was and swapped the dummies for male ones.


No comments: